she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
we're so committed to being not committed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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