only if we run a train.
done.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
