did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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