I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
