New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
