the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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