I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize