i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sext me about skeletons
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
