I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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