god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
