Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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