I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
