We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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