Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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