if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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