The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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