Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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