The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize