Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
