My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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