filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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