My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Randomize
