Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
