i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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