As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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