Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
