I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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