remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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