I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Watching her eat just hurts me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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