Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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