It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
