Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
