Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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