Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
