At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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