You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
