We won't sleep together?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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