so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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