And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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