That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
