if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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