she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize