She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
