I think I won the penis lottery.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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