you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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