Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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