You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
