Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
True strength comes from lack of pants
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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