let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
