i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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