True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize