Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
