i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
