We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
