Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
