I just pynch a tree in the face
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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