dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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