So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
